I got the message that there was something "wrong" with my body at a young age. My first memory is while shopping for school clothes when I was 8 years old. I was with my grandma, the sales lady took one look at me and directed us to the “chubby section”.
Since then, I've experienced many ups and downs, learning to live in this body and eventually developing some love for it.
In 2016, I began a journey with dieting and exercise that led to me losing 130 pounds. Although I was pleased with the number on the scale, I realized I still had many issues with my body.
During quarantine, I started gaining weight again. It's been harder for me to talk about weight gain, but it’s a common experience: losing weight only to gain it back.
The temptation is to slink back into the shadows and pretend no one notices. But as a therapist I know that this is where the real healing happens, and I have not given up on loving myself.
So this is the part of my journey that I really want to share.
I've continued working on my emotional eating, trying to get enough exercise, and learning to care for my body as it changes with age.
I have discovered that Self-Compassion is more important than the size of my jeans or the number on the scale.
Most recently, I am excited to try some new self-care treatments, and I want to share this stage of my Self-Compassion journey.
I'll be receiving weekly treatments from my friend, Dr. Helen Thomas, DC, a chiropractor who also practices Ayurvedic medicine and other holistic modalities. Like me, Helen is interested in helping people manage their weight using a holistic approach.
One of the treatments involves the Life Vessel, a device designed to trigger deep relaxation through vibration, far infrared light, and sound. I’m really looking forward to the weekly relaxation to undo the stress of a busy life.
Additionally, I'll be undergoing sessions with the Zerona Laser. This is cold laser technology that emulsifies fat cells and flushes inflammation. I’m very aware of excess inflammation in my body these days.
Over the next 12 weeks, I'll be documenting my progress with these treatments, along with my eating habits and psychological state. I look forward to sharing this journey with you all.
Week 1: I find myself having a renewed hope that I will lose some weight. Weight loss is NOT my main goal here, but it was for many years so the old thought pops up automatically.
What IS my main goal? I’m hoping to give myself a reset. We have all been through a lot in the last 4 years. For me personally, my body has changed with menopause, and I changed my diet significantly by becoming vegetarian. These changes, added to the stress of a global pandemic have been overwhelming. So I’m ready, and needing some deep nurturing.
I get into the Life Vessel, and my brain starts going. All kinds of thoughts running through my head, what I need to do later, what I want to write about the experience, ect. Ect. This is exactly what it feels like when I can’t sleep at night.
I notice how heavy the thoughts are, I could literally feel the heaviness in my body with all of these thoughts.
I also realize how tightly I hold myself, like a wind up toy ready to spring into action with the To Do list in my head.
Then, after several minutes, I don’t know how long because I’m literally closed up in a box, no clocks, no phone. I remember that I’m here to relax.
I start to unwind as I let go of the thoughts. I just listen to the music, watch the lights above me, and breathe. There’s nothing to do right now except breath.
By the end of the treatment, the heaviness and tension are relieved. My body is tingling and I feel energized.
Then I lay down under the Zerona Laser. My mind starts to wonder, “Is anything really happening?”
Just keep relaxing Erica. Just breathe.
After the Zerona I notice a feeling of lightness in my abdomen. If I’m not paying attention I’ll miss it, but when I tune into my body it’s definitely there.
Later in the day I noticed myself wanting to eat almost constantly. I eat more snacks than usual. I know I’m feeling a little stressed this week, is it just stress eating?
Does the treatment trigger something emotional and/or psychological for me? Is it actually a fear of releasing weight? Is there some part of me that feels unsafe in a smaller body? I’m not sure. But I have hit on some kind of emotional connection. Something that I will be examining more over the next 12 weeks. My first opportunity for new growth.
For someone like me, who has had a difficult relationship with my body, this type of self care can be very important. When I take care of myself I am loving my body, which is a complete transformation from the ambivalence and even hostility that I felt towards my body for so many years.
I notice that the thought about weight loss is still in the back of my mind. I don’t know if I will ever completely undo the imprint of Diet Culture, but I’m grateful that it’s now at the back of my mind and the way of Self-Compassion is my primary focus. I also know that when I love my body I have less need to hold onto excess weight. As I find my own balance, my body will find balance too.
As I share my experience and insights over the next 3 months, I hope it inspires some insights of your own. What Can you do for greater self-care? How can you be more Mindful today?
If you need support on your Self-Compassion journey you can contact me at eatingwithselflove.com. Email efthomasma@gmail.com or by phone 707-206-8698 I offer courses and individual coaching.
Love and Light,
Erica
コメント