When I was losing 130 lbs, about 7 years ago, towards the end of that journey I found myself wishing that I had documented my journey all along the way. People would ask me about what I was doing and how I was losing the weight, but I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to say about it all. I didn’t want to just be another voice saying “Just diet and exercise and you too can lose weight.”
I knew that it was about more than the diet but I wasn’t sure yet what was making the difference. It wasn’t until I started gaining weight again that I saw the difference was Self-Compassion.
You see, I had tried a million diets before but I never stayed with them long enough to lose much weight. This time I stuck with the diet because I truly wanted to take better care of my body. I was doing it out of love for myself and my body.
This week I’m starting to get into a rhythm. Once a week I come here and climb into the Life Vessel for 50 minutes, then I lay on the table under the Zerona for another 40 minutes. The Life Vessel is a lot like meditation. Lay back and relax into the music. Then, of course my brain starts whirring with thoughts. Then I catch myself thinking and I release the thoughts into the background, refocusing on the music. Using the music and the vibration as an anchor into the present moment.
My best guess is that it was the last 10 minutes of the Life Vessel, when I became convinced that Helen had forgotten me. All the anxious thoughts started; “I have to get to work on time”, “I can’t wait in here all day”. I wonder, “Should I get myself out?” Luckily I have a lot of experience with meditation and I decided to just calm myself and wait a little longer.
When Helen does get me out, I realize that it wasn’t too long, everything is fine. This is a perfect example of how my brain can make something feel so real and cause anxiety when there is no need to worry. I’m glad I chose to breathe through the anxiety and stay with the treatment.
During the treatments I also found myself thinking a lot about my diet, what foods should I be eating? What do I want to eat? Another example of my brain spinning out. Mindfulness or one of the core components of Self-Compassion. The ability to stay present at times like this, and not let my brain take over.
When I observe all of this thinking, I realize the connection between trying to control my diet and my weight as a way of trying to feel better about myself. If I’m having self-doubt or low self-esteem, my brain turns to obsessing about weight loss as a solution.
If I can just eat right and have a socially acceptable body then I will feel good about myself, right? When I lost 130lbs. I Did feel good about myself, but I was still me. I still had moments of self-doubt, I still worried about things, and I didn’t have the Self-Compassion I have now to help me through the doubt and worry. It’s self=compassion that gives me the strength to not give up. To keep taking care of myself even when my body keeps gaining weight or doesn’t look the way I want it to. I’m happier in who I am.
One thing I have learned over the past 7 years is that bodies change, it’s what they do. If my self worth is tied to the shape of my body then what happens when my body changes? It’s not safe to have my self-worth tied to external things, whether it’s the size of my body, the things I have, or the number in my bank account.
Self-Compassion creates a self-worth that is more solid than the earth we walk on. No matter what is going on in external life, Self-Compassion is something we can Always turn to for comfort, motivation, and the strength to weather life’s ups and downs.
The choice is always up to me. I can choose to keep focusing on how I want to be a different weight so that I can feel ok. But then I also feel the stress of not being at that weight. Or I can choose to focus on what is already going well in my life, to have compassion for the part of me that wishes to be different, and feel the joy and peace of knowing that I’m ok right now.
Do you try to fix yourself in order to feel ok? How are you ok right now?
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