This was a reunion year. For those of you who don’t know the story; 10 years ago, when I went to my college reunion, I was so sad and unhappy with my weight that I made a resolution to lose weight before the next reunion (To read the story click here). Then 5 years ago I had lost over 100 lbs.. Our reunion theme was Wonder Woman so I brought my halloween costume which was a Wonder Woman bustier, and wore it to our class dance party.
This year people remembered and commented about my Wonder Woman costume. The thing is, that bustier doesn’t fit me anymore because I gained weight again.
I was apprehensive about going to the reunion because, well what would people think? They probably won’t say anything out of politeness, but what will they think?
In order to understand the significance of my dilemma you have to understand that going to a reunion is normally the highlight of the previous 5 years. It’s a big 3 day event, and it’s like coming home. So it breaks my heart that I would consider NOT going just because of my weight.
When people commented on the Wonder Woman costume from 5 years ago, I shrank a little inside. If they remember the costume are they also thinking that I’m not looking so great this time? I wish I could say it didn’t matter but it certainly felt like it mattered.
If it did matter to others, would that make me less worthy? Take away from that empowered woman who wore the costume? You see, I’m placing my self worth in the size of my body. My solution is to lose weight, but that solution reinforces the belief that I’m not good enough unless I’m a certain size.
The paradox of it all is that when I’m acting from these messages of not being good enough, it starts a cycle of feeling bad about myself. Then my habit has been to eat in order to feel better. and then of course gaining weight. This is why diets don’t work.
What I’m forgetting is that I’m still Wonder Woman on the inside. The part of me who feels confident and empowered, that part of me is still there. Is it possible that when people remember the costume, that is what they’re remembering? The sight of a woman feeling her power?
I’m learning to believe in my Wonder Woman Self more than I believe the old messages of not being good enough. When I’m Wonder Woman, I feel good about myself, which makes me want to eat healthy, and naturally I release any excess weight.
Weight loss is such a small goal next to the mission of being the Wonder Woman I was created to be. However, as high achieving women it’s hard to resist a concrete goal. So, for myself, I’ve decided to always come back to the goal of self-compassion.
It’s easy to say that I just want to be healthy, but the real test is when I’m willing to stop and discern the most compassionate action in the moment, even if the numbers on the scale aren’t budging.
You see, Self-Compassion is NOT an excuse for any and all behaviors. Do you always say yes to your children? Of course not, we have limits for our children based on what we feel is best for them. Our love for our children is fierce, and empowers us to set limits even when it’s hard.
Self-Compassion is the same. My inner child may be begging for chocolate cake, but I know that my middle aged body needs a healthier meal. So I eat my tofu and do something else fun and sweet for little Erica.
So what is my resolution after this reunion? To have so much compassion for myself that any criticism of my body shrinks until it fades away. That I truly care more about the health of my body than the size of my jeans.
My goal is to be an example of self-compassion for anyone who has this struggle with weight and emotional eating. No one should have to suffer because of their weight. No one should feel terror about going to a reunion or being seen in a bathing suit.
We All have an inner superhero with powers beyond our comprehension. We all have our inner demons, and we all have an inner child who just wants to be loved. Whatever you do, please have the courage to love ALL your selves, the superhero, the villain, the Wise One, and the Fool.
If you need support on your Self-Compassion journey you can contact me at eatingwithselflove.com. Email efthomasma@gmail.com or by phone 707-206-8698 I offer courses and individual coaching.
Love and Light,
Erica
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